User:Kitty
From Kidney Cancer Resource
User:Kitty
The Funeral of Kevin Emsley took place in accord with his wishes, and that of his immediate family, at 13.00hrs. on Friday 21-Dec-2007
A Happy Christmas to all and a very much better 2008 than was her 2007! Kitty (Kym) Emsley in memory of Kevin.
Best advice given so far!:
B......Benefits
R......Risks
A......Advantages
Intro.
Hi all,
Our story of our journey through Kidney Cancer from diagnosis to personal thoughts and feelings are all available by clicking on to the various links on this page.
May your journey be easier bacause of the footprints we leave
Overview
I am Kitty (Kym) 46 years old (as of May 07). I have been married for 24 years (as of Feb07).I have 3 children (Stef 24 Teri 21 and Shaun 16). I have a grandaughter (Kiera 11 months old as of Dec 07). I lost my husband Kevin on 16/12/07 due to Metastatic Renal Cell Carcinoma. Using this website gave us both such benefit to learn of cancer and the effects upon our family. I wish to continue the blog we started and also to help further Kidney Cancer victims as a part of my future. I feel like a kidney cancer survivor (even though I can only talk about living with the effects of kidney cancer and not having it).
I hope I can do some good.
THE BLOG/DIARY May to 21-Dec-2007
The period covered from My birthday and Kevin's diagnosis through those troubled days to his funeral in the manner he asked for during his life on 21-Dec-2007 has been moved and can be viewed under IN MEMORIAM in the section dedicated to Kevin if you Click Here
A NEW LIFE!
2008
08 Jan 2008 - Took me long enough but here goes...
I have thought long and hard over the continuation of this blog...a heartbreaking decision...believe me!...I have been under that 'self pitying' rock..just out of the hard place!..yesterday Stef and I picked up Kevin's ashes and I thought about all the hours spent trawling through t'internet just to discover people like Andy and Greg (whom I now consider as close family friends..billy no-mates rools!)..others like Janey Helen Lizzie Elaine and now Sandie...I read all their blogs tonight (it took me all bloody night..haven't we all got ever so much to say!)..I got the feeling that just stopping would be like letting the side down (I am honorary member of this exclusive shi**y club!)..as left back I am obviously needed on the pitch!..so I am back..no fanfare needed..this continues my original blog..just my thoughts...my feelings...maybe not right or correct but what I am feeling when I turn on the pc or think (immediately) of our merry band..and my (now) crappy position in life...
the world spins apace!..our children are spreading their wings...Stef's got herself a penthouse (yay! no more ironing for that child!)..Teri's baby (my grand-daughter Kiera) is one next week..(birthday party at mine..look out Sainsbury's..here we come!)..Shaun..a bit quieter and less able to move on as he is only 16...I intend to spend the next 9 months (till his return to college) travelling with him!..Ireland first I think..rolling on to April and Australia!..then hot sunny Europe!...we will spend the time just getting to know each other again as he has sort of been set aside since April 07!..as for me...I just plod through each day...softly softly.
Comment
Welcome back - collecting the ashes must have been a hard journey, did you chat with the kids about the idea?
You have probably gone to bed so I'll chat tomorrow if you like as I guess I ought to get some sleep once I've heard the US news of the NH Primary - I do so hope the ghastly Clinton woman gets trashed, she is so corrupt and will bring derision and shame to America, as did her revolting husband.
GOOD NIGHT, Greg L-W.
21 Jan 2008 - World tour begins!...
Shaun and I are in Ireland!...just the first leg of the tour!...(trying to get him to agree to go to Rome but he saying no!...grrrrr!)...next stop Australia and then Europe...all on top at the moment...everyone doing well!..Kiera's birthday party was amazing!..OMG! she's ONE already!...Stef has moved to a lovely penthouse and Teri's application for Australian residence is going apace!..good strong kids that Kevin and I have!...life is now moving at a much slower pace (strange..very strange!)...all the weight I lost last year isn't showing any signs of coming back! Yay!...less me!...I have slowed down to a 'normal' pace too so expect 'supersize me' to reappear any day now!...I will keep you all updated as much as possible...still plodding!...
12 Feb 2008 - Happy 25th Anniversary!...
Phew!...haven't slowed down much since last year really!...Stef now ensconced in her penthouse with her boyfriend Tilly...doing very well!..(I gained two step-grandaughters Molly 5 and Lily 4..they wrecked my house!)..Teri Graham and Kiera are all doing excellently...Shaun has a new PS3 and he is mooching around doing loads of odd jobs that I wouldn't manage on my own...Me?...most days I choose to be optimistic...today though was a bit up and down..I sloped off to Ikea yesterday with Paul (very best friend of Kevin..much needed crutch to me!)..we talked on the way back of all things Kevin and I cried!...honestly tears and snot and everything..you see today would have been Kevin and my 25th wedding anniversary..Christmas..Kiera's 1st birthday..Teri's 22nd birthday..all sailed on...a wedding anniversary and I'm in tears!..I managed to stop blubbing at about 4am today and finally got some sleep!..woke at 7am..8am..9am...10am..11am and (after much of a talking to!) emerged at 12 midday!...I have allowed myself the indulgance of this blubbing and wailing(yes..there was wailing!) so that I can move forward with loads of other optimistic days..a long and plentiful self-pity party!..I got over myself and took Shaun out for some dinner (soup and almost half of a main meal!..alas poor appetite!..I miss you well...never get a pudding nowadays!)..today has gone and I will continue (blubbing tears and snot where appropriate!)...Ever onwards..
20 Feb 2008 - Normal life and blogs!...
My kids are filling up my life!...Teri and her wedding plans...Kiera and MMR (seperate or not...THAT is the question!...Shaun and the teenyboppers filling my house for half term with PS3 and my ears filled with Kerrang and Scuzz being the TV channels of choice!..(suppose you gotta be here!)...Stef and her 'Penthouse Palace'!...little time for me to just be me!...I was discussing the finer points of blogging with an esteemed collegue the other day and he inquired how doing this blog could help me...Phew!...deep!...I can look back over the good days and the bad ones and the bloody horrendous ones and REMEMBER!...even the smells the feelings and well everything comes flooding back...now...you may ask why re-live a 'annus horribilous' such as 2007?...see that's it...just to remember...my blog makes me laugh cry and keeps me grounded...sometimes when you look in the mirror and don't know who is looking back it is nice to remember the person you used to be...(unless you don't understand what I mean..in that case...I'm mental!)...nowadays I spend my morning creating the person I think people might like to see...the girl with the perfectly applied make-up and the fancy clothes doesn't know anything of how she came to be...she just emerges everyday from the person she used to be...the shell awaits the evenings alone!...so this blog is vital to me...it is about a life I can never step back into...only as a bystander much like you my dear reader..do I yearn for it?...of course!...living here in 'normality' is utterly alien to me..so onward and upwards..my blog gives me strength...race to the future...(wonder if I'll ever stop and smell the roses again?...not sure I want to!)...my opinion?...blogging is the only way to keep track when there is a very real possibility of losing yourself..and sometimes I feel lost.
Comments
In helping yourself you have helped so many of us - Thank you.
Your comment is Soooo true and brilliantly put and VERY much appreciated - Thank you.
Well done the kids, so stable, together and dare I say 'normal' - Thank you.
Never forget the warm hands & Thank you all, Greg
22 Feb 2008 - This 'lost' business....like OMG!...
Went over to Radcliffe today to buy my dream car!..Lexus SC430!...all top spec...and like OMG is this what's going to kill me?...helluva nice way to go!...still blubbing most nights...why at night?...dead annoying!...need some sleep...it still feels like uncontrolled explosions are going off all over the place!...anyway...car arriving next Friday (or sooner!)...it's like a little bright spot on the horizon...kids just make bored noises and pull their faces when I go on about the car...mid-life crisis (obviously) nearly over and not a piercing or tattoo in sight..(aversion to pain!...shucks!)...still very unclear as to the way forward...seem to have been stuck on Dealwithwhatwegot Pass forever...is it me holding me back? (multiple personality rules!)...my t'internet is screwed as the teenybops have had a looooong sesh this week and I have to beg to get on!...so as it all falls around my ears and comes crashing in at least I can sit in my be-a-utiful new car and have a nice place to sit and weep!(although t'internet access may be difficult)...pining for positive me...where the hell has she gone?...alone in a sea of people...that's what it's like....the 'lost' thing is strange to get used to but like most humans I am sure I will....will let you all know how the car feels and if it works (at all!)...roller coaster ride has MASSIVE highs (eg car...sexy sexy Lexus!)..and deep down lows (eg weeping/wailing/tears/snot)...(desire to drive fast is huge!)...still lost
Comments
I think I'll buy you two small concrete gnomes - the only thing big enough to sit in the back seat? & three Swan Vesta match boxes for luggage that will fit the boot with the hood down!
Don't read Jeremy Clarkson's review - he might stop being a friend ;-(
Enjoy your new tinker toy!
Regards, Greg L-W. Now now Greg!...Claws in please!...Kitty x
25 Feb 2008 - To sleep or not to sleep...
THAT really is the question!...blubbing at night is annoying me!...I hate it!..(subconciously) stayed awake all night(conciously too but that would be a seperate matter!...ALL night!...now blubbing seems the better of the two options as I am very very knackered and the daylight is flooding in and now is not really appropriate to sleep!...upside down me maybe preparing for Australia?..wish I could sort my head out without actually thinking about it but...alas no!..my head is in 'buy a Lexus and be damned anyway' mode!..no panics re the car as I didn't get it to speed..just to cruise..and it felt soooo cool on the test drive and well...I don't care!...I wanted it! (spoilt me is becoming as annoying as blubbing me!)..hope to collapse in a heap asleep soon...till then my friends...G'day!..(it REALLY must be Aussie training!)..
1 Mar 2008 - Me and the Lexus...
have made good progress!..we are now co-habitees...he'll have to put up with me and the crazyness and I'll have to put up with his drinking habit! (quite a bit he drinks...expensive stuff..unleaded!)..but we all have our foiables and discrepancies and if Tarquin (the Lexus) is willing to put up with the fragile mental state then I shall overlook the drinking!..slept last night from 11.30 all the way to 6am!..didn't even cry!..I am still feeling the hole that's missing and sometimes I am so lost I don't even know where my head is at (never mind the sexy lady sat-nav inbuilt into Tarquin!..she is called Tori (short for Victoria..coz she is posh!)...wish I could say that things are great and I am so together and all that rubbish but I am unable to...might never be able to!..at the moment I would rather be anyone but me...wedding rings...now theres a subject..I have (up to now) been wearing my engagement and wedding ring all the time..but I'm not married am I?..that sticks like needles into me...everytime I take them off tho I have a panic!..still stuck in lose-lose situations!...wheres sensible me when I need her?..sorry all...still lost and looking for a reprieve...Dealwithwhatwegot Pass is probably my permanent home...sick of it!
Comment
It was when Tarquinus Maximus the Jesuit Captain of the second of The Black Ships hove into the bay on the Island of the off shore monkeys with his cargo of seedling mulberry trees and the pupated crysalysis of the 15 silk worms that he knew his mission was at its trickiest.
The survival of at least 10 of the crysalises was essential to ensure the next generation and the mulberry trees must be nurtured to grow in the slightly harsher climate swept by the wind straight off of the Pacific and the frequent rain that had till now nurtured the cherry blossom and the Holy crysanthemum of the decendents of the Sun from whom the Emperor and Daimyos were descended.
That the tracks on the island were only the width of the rump of a horse surprised the Jesuits until they realised that for all the sophistication in metal handling and timber haulage the Japanese Samarai families may well have driven the peasants of The Shogunate, but although they had invented the wheel, strangely they had not invented the axle, so had never found a use for the wheel beyond spinning it to pass the prayers of the Shinto Temple to the gods above.
Just a few brief centuries later after those first silk worms had flourished challenging the might of China and the Sino Empire, with the bolts of silk that filled the holds of later Black Ships for the Courts of Europe. Japan had not only mastered the wheel with axle but the Samarai family of Toyota had, to avoid destruction under the MacCarthy Constitution, formed themselves as a Corporation under the shelter of the mighty Daimyos Nagasaki & Mitsubishi who formed the great steel and shipbuilding conglomerates at the top of the engineering Shogunate.
It was not until some time later that the Samarai family of Lexus joined forces with the Toyota family to meld their technology to produce a developement that would bestride the planet having marched across America and found a soft entry to EUrope through Britain and the gateway at Derbyshire.
Little had the Jesuit Tarquinus Maximus realised that the fruits of his efforts were to be providing 2,110kg. of steel, chrome, leather and rubber displaced over 2 of the finest axles ever designed on The French Riviera and spaced at 2,620mm. in an over all length of 4,535mm. and 1,825mm. wide with a hight of a mere 1,370mm. - Just so that Kym would be capable on a full burn of howling down a nightime freeway into the revealing darkness penetrated by high powered lighting consuming all the products of Arabie at a rate of 12-15 miles per gallon as she accelerates through 62mph. in 6 seconds to speeds of upwards of 155 mph!
& the Pope said 'Now look what bloody Tarquin has let loose on the planet to tempt the masses!'
& Beelzebub invented Temptation, Tarmac & The Throttle to make speed fun!
Enjoy! But NOT at other people's expense so be safe!
Regards, Greg L-W.
5 Mar 2008 - I have taken off...
my rings!...the world didn't end and my head didn't explode!...I actually feel a bit better not being 'false'...wearing my rings was like holding up a banner and pushing me back into last year..obviously there are things from last year that I would give anything to re-live (just cant list em at the moment!)...but 'false' me is a liar and(as I have said before) I don't know how to be anyone else so (although I would've liked to be anyone but me!...this is like the twisted thoughts in my head remember!) I suppose I will have to continue just being me...since the removal of my preciousesringssses (!?) I feel more able to walk onwards...all issues regarding my marriage were sorted in December 07 at Leeds with Kevin..I accept now that I am no longer married..(only taken 3 months!)..have also realised that my tears and blubbing are a HUGE self pity party!...I am not crying for anything other than something I once had..I am going to try and cry for less selfish reasons from here on..(ooo...is that a glimpse of positive me?)...Tarquin has made me happy (obviously not totally! or I would have no need of blogging and tears!)...I acknowledge that I am allowed to be happy...(and sometimes I am allowed to cry!)...self indulgance is not a good look...
10 Mar 2008 - Niceness, nervousness and decisions!...
Niceness...Kevin's friend Paul is our new housemate...this is nice for loads of reasons I shan't bore you with but he is now our regular income!..he brings a bit of that old chestnut 'normality' to both myself and Shaun..we can't wander round all night when someone has to get up for work!..(please don't misjudge he is in a seperate bedroom)..so this episode belongs under the heading 'niceness'!...Nervousness?...phew!...that's me and my indecisiveness!..I think!...responsibility is my 'thing' now...I am responsible for the smooth running of this family and I will make sure we all move forward in unison(but just sometimes I get a bit nervous!)....Decisions?...I have found positive me!..(she was behind mental me all the time!)..my decisions are not going to be manouvered by anyone any more..(strong me making an appearance!)...I have spoken to the kids about writing a bit of something to enhance my blog (it is so therapeutic) and they all want to put a bit of something on so as soon as thay are done I will add it to here..I often read through last years blog and then make it a mission to find the parts of me I thought were missing...I now realise they aren't missing I've just got to find them!..multiple pieces of me are finally re-awakening...now...the elusive appetite...ahh!
Comment
Great idea, at least Paul will be able to sort out what YOU want for the house so that he can look after the house etc. whilst you and Shaun are in Oz. He can keep an eye on Steph's friend and the building work whilst you are away as with her new flat, new job, new .... and the builder being a friend it would be a bit difficult for her to have both responsibility AND authority for the house and over a friend/builder! Good luck & Warm Hands, Greg L-W.
26 March 2008 - Race for Life...
Hello,
I'm taking part in Race for Life to raise money for Cancer Research UK and would really welcome your support. I will be doing it 08/06/08.
Please take a moment to sponsor me. It's really easy - you can donate online by credit or debit card at the following address: http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/kymemsley
All donations are secure and sent electronically to Cancer Research UK. If you are a UK taxpayer, Cancer Research's partner Justgiving will automatically reclaim 28% Gift Aid on your donation at no cost to you - making it worth even more.
Please join me in supporting Race for Life and a fabulous cause!
Thanks and best wishes, Kym Race for Life - donate to charity and raise funds online - Kym Emsley's Fundraising Page http://www.raceforlifesponsorm... Race for Life - Online Sponsorship It's the least I can do to say thank you to everyone... Warm hands and Kitty *hugs*
6 April 2008 - G'day mateys!....
I am in Australia! With Debs Dave and Nick and we are having the greatest time ever!...(back 'yard' swimming pool is fantabulous!!!)...this is like the greatest therapy imaginable! (and believe me I have a great imagination!)...Fab idea Greg!...going for a tinnie n a barbie!...keep well!
I note AUSTRALIA Chips In 08.21hrs. 06-Apr-08 on KCR - A FIRST!!!
A quick note on the Blog on KCR, clearly having loads of fun in Australia - in fact it looks as if she has lost her son!!!! Kym lists the people she is with, but no sign of Shaun - maybe she swopped him for a hat & some tinnies.
A Good Swop
Regards, Greg L-W.
13 October 2008 - Secret lurking...I honestly thought I'd...
well..gone really...I have deliberately avoided all the websites and information the forums and the people...and yet...here I am...I have been trying to do that 'living' thing away from all the cancer talk and basically ignoring everything I had to learn to stop myself from crashing and burning...but (as a few may know from my facebook info) I HAVE continued to live!...it is such a shock to me that I have actually achieved this I felt that not telling would be an injustice!..Teri and Graham are now married (wow! what a day!) with a new baby due next year! (co-incidentally on Kevin's birthday!)...Stef is back home (although still with Tilly)(don't understand that bit but she has all the underneath part of the house converted!)...Shaun is back in college doing his A levels and is much more settled than last year...Paul has moved on into an uber-cool appartment...and me?...I have lived...I am living...some days it's not good and some days it's amazing..ermmm...just normal then!...I have been to loads of different places and seen things I wouldn't have been able to appreciate before...I actually like me!...the person I am now is still endemically me but the changes appear to be all good (so far!)...I am still wary of cancer...it took away so much of me and it took me this long to rebuild myself...I AM ALIVE...I have lived and I will continue to live...I think of you all everyday...battling through the bullshit and stomping on the eggshells...you all still have my unending gratitude for helping me to become the person I am...I will continue to 'lurk' and think of you all (O...by the way...Shaun WAS with me in Australia...he lost so much weight eating healthily that I utterly forgot to mention him...poor lad!)
Well Helloooo!!
Welcome - I can understand all that. You have to glue the bits together and move on, just like Kevin told you to ;-)
Well wasn't that a summer of many halves!!!
I'm glad you've managed to come back - you can be sooooo much help to others following the same path that you BUILT.
Did Stef buy the penthouse? Is she still in the motor business? Didn't Teri & Graham emigrate to Oz. in the end? How's the car?
A Hug to all & warm hands - Greg L-W.
Page under constant review.....please bear with me
Kitty Litter
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